Resentment, anger, sadness...just a few things I've felt...

I think this post is probably a little out of the norm for this blog. (Warning it may be a little sad, but I just had to get it written).  But honestly, this blog is about our family, about raising our preemie, and I feel that sometimes others do not realize what we have gone through with Kennedy arriving 8 weeks early, and the issues that I have personally dealt with too. 

I frequent other blogs of preemie moms, they inspire me, and make me realize that some of the things that I am feeling or have felt are completely valid. 

To put it bluntly,

I resent women who are in their third trimester and bitch and complain about how uncomfortable they are and how they just want this baby out now (especially when they haven't reached 37 weeks).  They do not realize how extremely lucky they are that they have gotten to that point.  They do not realize how extremely lucky they are that their baby will (hopefully) be born healthy and ready to go home.  They just do not realize what it would be like if they were to have their baby early as they bitch and moan, which is where the anger comes in.  Now, yes, I do realize that they are in fact likely uncomfortable, but dammit people be thankful that you are able to carry that baby to term and continue to give it the time it needs to fully develop and be healthy.  I resent them, yes, it angers me, yes, but god am I jealous and that makes me sad.

I am sad because I never got to know what it was like to get so huge that I too was uncomfortable and bitching about it.  For what its worth. it angers me when people make comments such as "well at least you didn't have that extra baby weight added on", or "at least you didn't have to deal with the stretch marks" -  hell give me the weight and the stretch marks any day if I could just carry a baby to term.

I am sad because I lost out on the birth experience that I always wanted.  I did not get to immediately bond with Kennedy when she was born.  Instead of her being placed on my chest so that I could hold her, kiss her, tell her that I love her (as I had always dreamed would happen), she was whisked away by the neonatologist and nurses.  She was held up from a far so that I could see her, I could only hear her cry (the small cry that it was) from a short distance. Not only that but she was then taken from the room, my husband went with her, and I was left there in the room with my mother (thank god), doctor and nurse to get cleaned up - but no baby.  It was heartbreaking and it took everything (and I mean everything) in me to NOT break down. 

I am sad because I had to be put on the postpartum floor where other women were who had their babies in room with them.  Thankfully they were tactful enough to give me my own room, oh how I would've been pissed if I would have had to share a room.

I am sad that for the first 22 days of my daughters life she had to be in the hospital, that i could only be with her for 8 hours a day or so, and that I had to leave her every single night (that was the worst pain imaginable). 

I am sad because I do not know if we'll be able to have another baby without that baby being a preemie too.  I do not know whether my preeclampsia will come back, whether it will be worse or better. 

I would give anything to have been able to carry Kennedy to term, but she is here now.  She is healthy, and that I am HAPPY about.  She is growing so well, getting bigger every day and developing like crazy.  I love this little girl with all of my heart, and I would do anything, absolutely anything for her.  But I still can't help but feel sad and some anger about how she came into this world.

And just because I can't do a post without adding a picture - here is a recent one of Kennedy.

Thank you for reading my rant/vent of a post.